It often been said about the weather here in Southern Ohio where we live-- "If you don't like the weather, just wait 24 hours and it will change."Today was absolutely gorgeous. It was one of those perfect and totally beautiful 70 degree autumn days and Susie took some time off to go rollerblading.
Since she's not an expert at it, every time her attention would wander from looking at where she was going, her skates would wobble.
She never fell but because she want to stay on her feet, she was constantly being reminded to keep her mind on skating and not on anything else.
This is a great reminder for your relationships as well.
One of the most important things you can do to help your relationships is to be entirely "present" with each other and to give your full attention when you are with someone.
Several years ago, when Otto was a salesperson for one of the region's major employers, he was taking some sales training and one of the first steps in the training process was what the trainer called--"Be here now."
In sales, the idea of "Be here now" is about being fully prepared to greet customers, knowing the correct pricing of all items, leaving all your problems at the door, and being prepared to focus totally on your customer or client.
Not only did the sales trainer show how this applied in sales, but he told us about a personal situation in his life that also gave an excellent illustration of what it means to "Be here now" in our relationships and the importance of doing this.
The sales trainer said that he was having one of those days where a million different things were going on. There were problems to solve and a dozen different pieces of paper strewn all over his desk when his wife called to tell him about a problem she was having with one of their young children.
He found himself just saying things like "uh-huh" and "sure" and "wow" and wasn't really listening to the problem she was describing to him.
Midway through her explanation of this situation, she suddenly stopped and said to him, "I'm really getting angry with you because you're not listening to me at all."
Needless to say, this got his attention.
He had not really been present with her. He was not really listening to her and was focused on other things.
As you can see by this story, there are really two important aspects to the idea or concept he called "Be here now." One requires that you, the listener, clear your mind of chatter, worry or planning what you're going to say next and focus totally on that person and what they are saying.
We believe that giving someone your full attention is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.
Whether it's the clerk at the local convenience store, your mother, your mate, or your child--give them your full attention. If you don't have time at that moment,tell them that you will give them your full attention when you finish what you are doing and then keep your word.
The other aspect is that if you are the one speaking and you notice the other person "nodding off" and not following what you are saying, it's a good idea to do what this sales trainer's wife did and "call" them on their lack of attention--possibly by asking for their attention. Something like--"I have something I'd like to talk with you and I'd like your full attention. Is this a good time to do that?"
We've learned that many problems in relationships result from this very issue of not being present for another person. By not being present for that person, you are not honoring and respecting them. And by not speaking up when another person is not totally with you, you risk building up resentment and mistrust.
We've discovered that the concept of "Be here now" is really important if you want relationships that are vibrant, alive and growing.
Being present to us means focusing on what's happening in the present moment with yourself and between you and your partner and not allowing your mind to wander to the past or the future.
What takes us out of the present moment?
When we are too absorbed in the daily nitty, gritty details of life or just get too busy and too much in a hurry, we're pulled out of the present moment.
One way you can tell if you're not in the present moment is if you've got a lot of mental chatter going on in your mind. Mental chatter can come in many forms, like judging others and yourself, living in the past or making assumptions about the future.
Whatever form it takes, your mental chatter blocks you from hearing and understanding others and allows very little chance for true connection with yourself and with other people.
So this week, we suggest that you give the people you are with your full attention when they are talking to you. If the person you are with doesn't give you their full attention, ask for it.
If you do, we know that there will be a deeper connection between the two of you.
© Otto & Susie Collins
Life Channels Staff Writers
All Rights Reserved
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