Recently we attended a seminar and there was an incident between the seminar leader and one of the participants that had a great impact on us.

All of the people attending the seminar were authors, speakers and seminar leaders who were there to learn how to fine-tune their message to create a bigger impact in the media world when they did interviews.

During the two day seminar, the leader's job was to try to help us bring out, fine-tune and embrace our creative genius.

What was interesting was that no matter how hard the leader tried, he couldn't get one woman to recognize what her project was really about. He saw in her a genius that she couldn't see and wasn't able to embrace in herself.

Throughout the two days, we witnessed a struggle between the leader pushing and the woman withdrawing.

We think this is a common dynamic in many relationships-- where one person pushes and the other person withdraws or retreats. This always creates distance and disconnection between the two people.

This withdrawal can be from any number of reasons but fear is always at the bottom. The pushing can be for many different reasons--from helping the person see his/her genius to simply getting some help around the house or with the kids. We may not even recognize that we are "pushing" even when we are.

In Susie's previous marriage, she found herself "pushing" her ex-husband to "feel" emotions. She remembers when her grandfather died, trying to get her "ex" to express the feelings that she knew he must have because they both dearly loved this man. She had the sensation of "clawing" at her "ex" to get him to feel but he just shut his emotions down even more.

This was a reoccurring theme during their marriage and she never understood that her pushing him to feel was actually causing him to withdraw even further. She kept doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result each time.

So what do you do if you are pushing someone to feel or act a certain way by another? What if you are the one being pushed?

We suggest that both people recognize and admit that this is a dynamic that happens between them. Talk about it when it's not happening.

If both people can recognize that it does happen in the relationship, you can begin making agreements about what you'll do when it occurs.

If someone is withdrawing or retreating in a relationship, they are not feeling safe in that moment, so pushing only adds to those feelings.

The person who is withdrawing may be focusing on a past negative event or projecting negative possibilities into the current or future situations. As hard as it is to believe, they may simply be feeling too much, rather than not enough. The situation may be overwhelming to them.

The person who withdraws may need just a little space. The person who is "pushing" may need to back off their energy a few notches so the person feels safer.

A question that may be asked of both people at that time is "What does this situation remind you of?"

We've used this question when it's happened between us-- when one of us has withdrawn and the other has pushed. It may not be a question that can be answered in the moment but it has been helpful to us to agree to come back together and talk about it later.

The most important thing is for both people to create a way to feel safety and trust in their relationship so that they can regain their connection.

© Otto & Susie Collins
Life Channels Staff Writers
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