In "Withdrawing and Pushing: Part 1" we talked about what happens when someone "pushes" and another "withdraws" in a relationship.

Since, we spent most of that article focusing on the person who "pushes" and the dynamic of "pushing" in relationships, we were asked for suggestions on how to "prompt reaction and interaction" from someone who "withdraws."

Because it is a lonely and frustrating place to be in, most people who are with someone who "withdraws" will try almost anything they can think of to get them to open up their heart.

But, as pure as their intentions can be, we think that trying to prompt some sort of reaction with another doesn't go far enough.

In our opinion, the goal should be to find a way to reconnect with each other.

So, how do we reconnect with someone who has "withdrawn?"

What we do in our relationship when this happens is to let the other person who has withdrawn know that we are their friend and not the enemy.

What we always do next to bring about reconnection (when we are able to become the observer and get our ego out of the way) is to explain to the one who has withdrawn what we are seeing, feeling, thinking and experiencing in the moment without judging.

An example of this might be...
"I'm feeling really sad that we're not connecting. I would like to recapture the same kind of feeling that we had when we were first together and right now I'm not feeling that."

Another example might be...
"Our relationship is really important to me and I'm feeling distance between us right now and I'm wondering how I can feel close to you again?"

If you find yourself with someone who has withdrawn, share with them the specific differences between what's happening in this moment and how the two of you were when you were the happiest or most connected.

In our relationship, when both of us recognize and admit to contributing to the changes that have happened in the relationship, it helps us to regain our connection.

Realize that if there is someone "pushing" and another "withdrawing," there are probably some resentments and painful truths between both of you that have to be unearthed before this dynamic can be resolved. You both may benefit from the help of a therapist.

If you are with someone who is so withdrawn that it is painful for you to be in that relationship, you have to decide whether you want to stay in this situation or not.

There are no guarantees that the person who is withdrawing is able or willing to open up to you or anyone. It may be too painful for them.

It is worth a try, or several tries, to allow the space, the honesty and the love to create a reconnection between the two of you.

If you see yourself in this "pushing/withdrawing" dynamic, it is our hope that you will come to awareness of what's happening and stop this common relationship "dance" so that you can begin to move toward reconnection.

© Otto & Susie Collins
Life Channels Staff Writers
All Rights Reserved

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