What's the difference between a great relationship and one that's dying a slow death?

There could be a lot of examples we could give you, but the one that rings truest for us in this moment is what has happened over the last few days for us.

In this culture we are brought up to believe that good, intimate relationships are always blissful and harmonious--a blend between a fairy tale and a steamy romance novel.

While this may be what most people expect and want when they get into a relationship, this hasn't been our experience.

For us, the past few days have been busy, filled with deadlines and frustrations.

As it happens with many people during times like these, challenges and misunderstandings started to come up between us.

We found ourselves being critical of each other when we normally weren't. We found ourselves judging each other unfairly and not giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

We found ourselves going through what Terrence Real, author of "How can I get through to you" calls the three phases of a healthy relationship. These are harmony, disillusionment and repair.

He makes the point that most people, during times of disharmony, move into control, withdrawal and resignation. But, people in a healthy relationship experience the pain of disharmony but move into repairing their relationship as quickly as possible.

He believes, as we do, that we are in relationships to heal those parts of ourselves that need to be healed. These three phases are a natural progression to our healing and creating an outstanding relationship.

The term "moving into repair" sounds so clinical, but what this means to us is the process of regaining the lost connection and magic between us.

So, how do we do that?

First, it all starts with our intention--to keep our deep love and connection alive.

It's also our intention to not run away when things get tough--to move through disharmony and regain our connection as soon as possible.

Many people will do almost anything to avoid dealing with painful situations. But, we've found that if we don't deal with feelings that come up for us (no matter how painful) that they won't go away. They'll be right there waiting for us eager to come up at inopportune times.

We've discovered that you don't just go through the cycle of harmony, disillusionment and repair once and then you never have to do it again. We've found it to be an ongoing and continual process of growth that helps us to heal the past and deepen the love between us.

The next time you are tempted to believe that a healthy relationship never has any disharmony, stop kidding yourself.

All relationships experience periods of disharmony. It's whether you're willing to move from your stuck positions of blame, judgment and being right into repair and healing that makes your relationship great and deepens your connection.

© Otto & Susie Collins
Life Channels Staff Writers
All Rights Reserved

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