Loving The Unlovable

It’s almost Valentines Day. Love is in the air!

Actively dating, I have noticed the strong desire that we all have for love. The dating scene has also provided me ample opportunity to look at my values and my beliefs; most importantly, my beliefs about myself and not "the other person."

If a relationship, or a date, doesn't work it can often be easy to "blame" the other person, when really it is an opportunity to take a deeper look at ourselves.

I am a pretty independent person. I have been single for longer periods of time than I have been with someone. I have a great network of friends and mentors, and I have a lot of "side activities" to keep me busy.

Recently one fellow that I had been regularly dating called me "needy" during one of our disagreements. This really triggered my "pain body." (A term Eckhart Tolle uses in The Power of Now to describe past residual pain that can resurface at any moment.)

"I am far from needy," I thought to myself. "I am a risk taker, I have moved places by myself." On and on I went defending myself. But later I had to really look at WHY that comment had rubbed me the wrong way. That comment haunted me. That really bothered me.

I have heard it said that when you "judge" someone, the very thing that you are "judging" about them is a quality that YOU possess that you don't like about yourself. If I really was upset to be judged "needy," did I really posses that quality? The thought gave me the "creeps."

Yet, when I thought about my situation with this man, it was clear that I was more "physically attracted" to him than he was to me. So in a way, I had this "energy" of trying to "get him" to be attracted to me. Talk about "needy."

Wow, this was a mirror held right up to my face and I didn't like what I saw. The more I thought about it, the more I recognized that I do possess qualities that are in fact "needy." Yet, I have adamantly denied those feelings or qualities; in fact, I have often gone to the other extreme by being so "independent."

We've all heard the saying what you resist, persists, right? Well, I had to realize that by not honoring those "needy" aspects of me that they continued to show up in my relationships.

I was reading some material by relationship experts Gay and Kathleen Hendricks and they talked about loving those parts of yourself that are unlovable.

So I repeated this affirmation to myself, "I love that needy part of me." YIKES. I just couldn't love that part of me. I kept having a "reaction" to that affirmation. So then I said this affirmation, "I love that needy part of me that is really only desiring love." Okay, I could love that part of myself. We all want love. My "neediness" was just a deep desire for love. That’s a great quality, to be so "open" to love. As I repeated the above affirmation, I felt my body have less and less of a reaction toward the thought of being "needy."

Now, ironically after loving this "needy" part of myself, I don't feel "needy" anymore. I loved that part of me that was "wanting" love, and through that love came the freedom from repeating past patterns. This pattern kept showing up in order to be loved, to be honored, to be heard. When I gave it that love, it no longer had to express itself.

Are there any parts of you that you feel are unlovable? Can you love those parts? Or, can you do like I did and love yourself for "expressing that quality" as a desire for love?

If you can't love those parts of yourself that you feel are unlovable, can you love yourself for not loving those parts?

I have found it a profound experience to love those parts of me that feel unlovable. There’s a purity; an innocence about it. Anything that you feel is "unlovable" is really just desiring love. Give that part love, and watch it return to love.

© Lisa Hepner
Life Channels Staff Writer
All Rights Reserved

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