Coming Up To Be Healed

A couple of months ago, I was in a "relationship" with a person whom I will refer to as Joe. We got along really well, we had wonderful times together, and we really had a connection on many levels. Except he, for whatever reason, didn’t want a relationship. I went back and forth; at one moment accepting us as friends, and the other deeply hoping that it could grow into something more. I've gone through up's and down's. I've gone through patterns where I pushed him away to see what his reaction would be, etc. It was quite crazy.

Yet, after looking at all my "craziness," I owned my stuff. I owned that I "freaked out" and tried to push him away. But I also realized that everything is energy, and that I was also responding to his energy. He kept pushing me away because he didn't want a relationship, then I would push him away, and the craziness would continue. I told him that I was also reacting to his energy--and that I didn't understand why he didn't want a relationship. He told me he loved me and cared about me, but couldn't give me the type of love that I wanted at the time. He said it had nothing to do with "me" and that he would be doing this to anyone.

Well, during the course of the conversation I was still trying to get him to open up and to accept and realize what we had together, or what we could be. I was trying to convince him of our love, and that we would be really great together.

Then, shortly after, as I was driving to my friend Lynda's I started crying. I was in such pain. I kept trying to understand why he couldn't love me, why we couldn't have a relationship, etc. Then I heard this distinct inner voice say, "This is coming up to be healed." So I paused and thought about things. That's when a huge "a-ha" happened.

The feeling of giving him love and him not reciprocating was very familiar. I remembered glimpses from my childhood. I had memories of me doing everything I could to get love from my dad. I remember getting straight A's so he'd be proud of me, but that didn't work. I remember doing my best and accomplishing things academically to try to get him to love me, yet nothing worked. So then of course I resorted to destructive behavior. I drank, I smoked, I stayed out, I did self-destructive things, and that didn't work either. My dad didn't know how to express emotions. It wasn't that he didn't love me--he just couldn't give me the "type" of love that I wanted. Or, I should say, he couldn't express it in a way that I needed.

Basically I realized that the reason I picked Joe was because I had stuff to be healed. Joe represented my dad, in a way. I could try over and over to get him to love me, and yet he still wouldn't be able to give me the love I needed. So I would keep doing it over and over, desperately trying to get him to love me. I realized that I had some healing work to do with my dad. I knew that once I healed this with my dad, I wouldn't have to repeat this pattern in the future.

Yet I kept asking my friend Lynda, why couldn't Joe love me? I told her that I was still having a hard time letting him go. And she said that by the very nature of the relationship I picked with Joe-- that he wouldn't be able to reciprocate---and that's exactly why I picked him. I picked this relationship so that I could heal this stuff.

I did some healing exercises involving my dad and felt much better. I realized that Joe signed on to be a teacher for me to work through this. I am honored that he so graciously took on this role for me. I felt like we made this subconscious agreement beforehand. Then I was done. I didn't have to do that anymore. I blessed Joe for helping me to heal this. I felt at peace knowing that as I healed this, I wouldn't have to repeat it anymore. What a blessing. What a lesson. I didn't have to give love to someone that couldn't return it, anymore. I didn't feel a need to continue trying.

I continued with the healing process. I continued releasing and knowing that I was loved, and that I didn't have to do anything to "get" someone's love. What a blessing and what a release that was. This was so huge for me. I was so thankful that the Universe showed me exactly what I needed to work on so that I could move on to "pick" someone that would willingly and gladly return my love, without me having to "do" anything. After all this healing work was done, only one week later, I met a wonderful man who is VERY emotionally available. He is committed to a conscious, loving relationship. It is a MUTUALLY loving relationship.

So here's the lesson; I had to release the old relationship--which was a pattern of me trying to give love that wasn't reciprocated--before I could attract a mutually loving relationship. But once I did, the man was there just waiting to reciprocate!

© Lisa Hepner
Life Channels Staff Writer
All Rights Reserved

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