Anger
It seems that many of us deny our anger, or refuse to look at it. Anger is perceived as “bad” so we pretend we’re not angry, or we hide our anger. Really this only escalates our anger and often times we hide it so much that one day it explodes like a ticking time bomb.
Instead of avoiding anger, we really need to start talking about what can we do with the anger we do have or that we do feel? There are lots of angry people around, and instead of being in denial we need to take a look at how we deal with our anger. Can it be safe to admit that we’re angry? And how do we express our anger?
Some of the techniques that I’ve read about for diffusing anger can be as simple as taking deep breaths. But when you’re in the heat of anger does taking deep breaths really work? Can you really stop and take some deep breaths when all you feel is anger or rage inside?
What are some things that work when you’re angry? For me, if find that first admitting I’m angry helps. I allow myself to have my temper tantrum.
How many of us have seen kids throw a complete temper tantrum, get it all out of their system, and then go their merry way a few minutes later?
In reality, though, an adult throwing a temper tantrum looks bad. And it’s really not appropriate to throw a temper tantrum in front of someone else AND it’s definitely NEVER cool to hurt someone else with your anger, physically or emotionally. When I say I throw a temper tantrum it is usually it is in the comfort of my own home or car, where no one else can hear me.
We’ve got to be able to release our anger some way. Sometimes I’ll stomp my feet, yell out loud, hit the pillow or just roll on the bed and rant…It’s important to be honest and open with your feelings.
Now I know that I will probably get some feedback from this comment, but I believe boxing has also helped me deal with my anger.
Now, I know boxing seems contradictory to peace, but it has been a channel for me to release my anger. It feels great to pound on a heavy bag when I’m angry. Boxing has worked for me…it’s important to find something that works for you. A physical release feels good for me.
What can you do to release your anger? I’d invite you to think about this now . Write down some things you could do both before you get angry and when you’re angry and then try some of these things. So there are really two components to dealing with anger: One, how to release anger so it doesn’t build and you explode? Two, how to release anger when you’re really feeling angry.
Again, physical exercise helps me release anger or stress. Instead of letting it build, do something right away. Sometimes putting on head phones and playing music helps me diffuse my anger. Determine what works for you. My fiancé likes to go for a race around the track in a go kart when he feels like his anger is building. It’s something that helps him release that extra adrenaline.
But what about when you’re actually raging angry what do you do?
Anger directed outward at another person isn’t appropriate, but you’ve got to do something with that anger. So maybe take a time out. Tell the person that you’re feeling angry and that you need to remove yourself from the situation for a while to cool down. My fiancé and I have worked out a system where if we’re really angry at one or the other, one of us yells “time out” and goes to the bedroom and hits a pillow. Or go for a jog, lift weights, whatever helps you to release that anger. Then when you are ready and in a calm state of mind, you can re-engage in that conversation or situation.
The important thing is not to deny our anger but to find productive ways to express it. Here’s also another way of looking at anger.
My definition of anger is “pain expressed.” If you think about it all anger results from being in pain about something and not having a way to deal with it (feeling out of control or helpless.) Or being in pain about something and having it build and build until it finally explodes.
The reason anger often gets directed outward is because we blame another person for our anger. “You make me so angry,” or “It was John’s fault. If he wouldn’t have done such and such I wouldn’t have gotten angry.”
The thing is it shouldn’t matter what other people do, it is up to you how YOU respond. If we were completely centered in peace, no one should be able to affect us. We should be able to control and diffuse our own anger.
I remember this story told by Tony Robbins in his Personal Power series:
There was this man who made it his life mission to try to irritate Buddha. He saw how peaceful and spiritual Buddha was and took it upon himself to try to get a reaction or rise out of Buddha. He would follow Buddha around and curse and call him names yet the Buddha would remain unresponsive and peaceful.
The man just knew that Buddha would one day reach his boiling point and respond with anger or frustration, so the man continued insulting Buddha with a vengeance. He cursed, he yelled, he made gestures, he did everything in his power to get a reaction from Buddha and yet Buddha did nothing.
The man spent a couple of years just trying to get a reaction from Buddha, but to his surprise the Buddha always remained calm. One day the man couldn’t take it anymore and decided to ask the Buddha how he could remain so calm in the face of all those negative comments and anger directed at him.
The man turned to Buddha and said, “All these years I’ve been cursing you, yelling at you and trying to hurt you and yet you have remained calm. How are you able to do that?”
The Buddha smiled and asked the man a question: “If someone gave you a gift who does that gift belong to?”
The man was taken back by the obviousness of the question and blurted out, “If someone gave me a gift, than the gift would be mine.”
The Buddha smiled and asked another question. “If someone gave you a gift that you declined to accept, who would the gift belong to?”
The man thought about it and said, “If someone gave me a gift that I declined to accept, I guess the gift would belong to the person that gave the gift.”
Buddha smiled and said, “Ah yes, so if you decide to give me something that I refuse to accept, who does that belong to?”
The man paused and frowned. All of the cursing and name calling and everything had basically bounced off the Buddha and been given back to him. He was the one carrying all the anger and frustration inside of him.
What if we could all become mini Buddha’s so that whatever someone said or whatever they did, wouldn’t affect us and would instead bounce right off of us?
It’s the same with anger. Someone can say or do whatever they choose, and we must just learn how to NOT be affected by it.
Anger is the result when we have allowed something to affect us. And we are responsible for our own anger. We have a choice of how we respond to any person, situation or experience. We can respond with peace and love or we can react in anger. The choice is ours.
It’s important to make choices on a daily basis that help us release any stress, frustration or anger so that it doesn’t build and blow. And it’s important for us to figure out ways to “handle” our anger once it’s in full force. It’s okay to be angry, it’s NOT okay to hurt ourselves or hurt others with it.
© Lisa Hepner
Life Channels Staff Writer
All Rights Reserved
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