It's funny how some things just happen. I was worried about writing a good article for Spirit Voices and then something eventually clicked.

I was lying in my bed, staring out my window . . . thinking about the past and all the pain I endured from other people. I kept wondering if some scars were just too deep to heal. That I would have to accept the sad fact that there may always be pain in the world.

I thought about the people that caused me heartache. The people that acted like they were more important than I was. Then it happened.

I clenched my fists. My eyes started to squint. My skin felt red and my heart thumped in my chest. An electrical charge surged through my body. My heart was on fire and I felt very powerful. What was happening to me?

I replayed scenes in my head where I got revenge on those that had wronged me. I belittled them like I had been belittled. I received power from hurting them in my mind. I weakened my enemies into dark, silent corners with the same verbal tongues that lashed out against me.

The fire grew and grew until it started to burn. That's when I didn't feel so hot anymore (pun intended) and I finally realized exactly what I was experiencing. I was feeling hatred in the purest form.

I seemed to snap out of it as quickly as I entered as I thought, "Wow, our spirit is so fragile, yet so strong."

In this particular battle, I was triumphant. I realized hatred would inevitably and irrevocably destroy me if not properly expressed. To be honest though, I still have the same questions. I keep wondering if the help I give is ever really good enough. I think about how easy it would be to say F*** the world for one day and crumble the relationships I worked so hard to build.

I was able to discover one thing, though. Through this experience, I found yet another weapon to use in the continuing battle against hatred . . . awareness.

Had I not realized my hatred and all the choices I have as a result of my hatred, I would have made bad decisions that I would regret.

I really only have one goal next time. It took me about fifteen minutes to really 'wake up' to what was going on with me. Next time, I think I'm gonna go for ten.

© Sam Leonard
Life Channels Staff Writer
All Rights Reserved

Close Window To Return To Leonard Article Archive